The stores are filled with hearts and gifts for Valentine’s Day. What better time to reflect on what it means to deepen relationships, part of our vision as a congregation!
Relationships go through predictable stages, but every stage takes time. (I modified research by Robin Dunbar at Oxford University):
With whom do you have casual, close, or intimate relationships in your life? What are you doing to help move a relationship to deeper commitment? Relationships take time together and a willingness to share and learn from each other. Dunbar finds that 200 hours of time together are necessary to move from being a stranger to a good friend.
At least theoretically, Christians should find it easier to have close relationships with other Christians. We share values, ideals and the worldview of following Christ, who forgives the sinner, loves the unlovable, and gathers the lost.
But the reality is that Christians, just like everybody else, are limited by time and energy. We just won’t always have one close friend let alone five at church! But if we want to be deepening relationships with others in the Christian community, it will simply take time spent together, doing things together, caring for each other. Some of us will want close Christian relationships, but won’t be able to do it for a variety of reasons—most of which is that our relational energy is already going to those close and intimate relationships we already have.
Yet, some don’t have one person they can share their deepest fears and dreams. You may assume they have someone because on the outside they seem to be happy and stable, but inside the loneliness consumes them. One of the great ironies of our time is that we are more connected than ever through texting and social media, but our relationships rarely move beyond acquaintance stage. Each of us need casual, close, and intimate relationships that help us to grow to become what God made us to be.
The good news is that we all have a relationship with God not because of the time we put into it (although that makes it more of a two-way relationship!) but because God has put everything into the relationship: God became flesh in Jesus. God sends Jesus to love you and lead you even now as you are reading this! God puts infinite time into a relationship with humanity! As Christians, we help others know that God has an eternal relationship with them because Jesus lived, died, was raised, and is right there with you now!
Think through your relationships. What’s one relationship you can deepen this week just by consciously planning to spend a little time in person or on the phone?
Grateful for relationships with you,
Pastor Peter
- Know names stage: Know someone’s name, but little else.
- Acquaintance: Know something about the other, perhaps work together, but wouldn’t meet them for coffee or share a medical diagnosis.
- Casual: Meeting more frequently around common interests and activities, sharing joys and sorrows. Dunbar finds each of us can maintain a maximum of 150 casual stable relationships.
- Close: Connected emotionally; shared values, ideals and worldviews bring people together to achieve common goals. Dunbar finds most people have a maximum of 5 close friends.
- Intimate: Mutual responsibility, committed to each other’s development. Even fewer relationships reach here or stay here. Dunbar finds each person has an average of 1.5 intimates.
With whom do you have casual, close, or intimate relationships in your life? What are you doing to help move a relationship to deeper commitment? Relationships take time together and a willingness to share and learn from each other. Dunbar finds that 200 hours of time together are necessary to move from being a stranger to a good friend.
At least theoretically, Christians should find it easier to have close relationships with other Christians. We share values, ideals and the worldview of following Christ, who forgives the sinner, loves the unlovable, and gathers the lost.
But the reality is that Christians, just like everybody else, are limited by time and energy. We just won’t always have one close friend let alone five at church! But if we want to be deepening relationships with others in the Christian community, it will simply take time spent together, doing things together, caring for each other. Some of us will want close Christian relationships, but won’t be able to do it for a variety of reasons—most of which is that our relational energy is already going to those close and intimate relationships we already have.
Yet, some don’t have one person they can share their deepest fears and dreams. You may assume they have someone because on the outside they seem to be happy and stable, but inside the loneliness consumes them. One of the great ironies of our time is that we are more connected than ever through texting and social media, but our relationships rarely move beyond acquaintance stage. Each of us need casual, close, and intimate relationships that help us to grow to become what God made us to be.
The good news is that we all have a relationship with God not because of the time we put into it (although that makes it more of a two-way relationship!) but because God has put everything into the relationship: God became flesh in Jesus. God sends Jesus to love you and lead you even now as you are reading this! God puts infinite time into a relationship with humanity! As Christians, we help others know that God has an eternal relationship with them because Jesus lived, died, was raised, and is right there with you now!
Think through your relationships. What’s one relationship you can deepen this week just by consciously planning to spend a little time in person or on the phone?
Grateful for relationships with you,
Pastor Peter
